As most of you know…I am married to a WONDERFUL man!! He is my perfect match and loves Zane and I so well. What most of you don’t know is that being married to a wonderful man does not mean marriage is perfect-especially with a baby.
I think back to before Zane was born and Jaber and I literally never fought. Most of our days were spent “honeymooning.” Each day we would spend time together cooking, talking, walking, playing games, and just being with each other every second we could. Then one day we found out we were pregnant…the perfect addition to our pretty perfect lives. We would talk about all we were going to do with our baby and how excited we were to have this precious little gift. We kept hearing people say that marriage becomes harder when you have a baby and we would laugh. Everyone told us the first year of marriage would be hard and it was everything BUT hard…it was actually easy. We thought nothing could ever make OUR marriage hard.
Once Zane was born I was a complete mess emotionally. I felt every emotion you could. Jaber was so good to me throughout my giving birth and early postpartum days that I felt extremely guilty that I wasn’t my normal happy self. I felt like I needed to be the person he married. I now have learned that we CHANGE when new situations come. I once was very patient but out of no where I became impatient. I would ask Jaber to grab something like a burp cloth for me and if he didn’t do it immediately I would be SO frustrated. I then would make some comment after 5 seconds like, “Do you even care about Zane and I?” I cringe thinking back to saying that. Jaber did more for me than I could have ever imagined. I also remember being so mad when I would look over and see him sleeping after I was up for the fifth time in 5 hours. What I forgot to do was thank Jaber for being up the previous four times with me. 🙂 I would critique him on things like not holding Zane right, changing him right, bathing him right, etc. I was a perfectionist.
As the months passed the guilt I felt started to build up. I felt like I finally got the hang of being of mom…but being a wife was definitely falling behind. I put Zane first before my husband at times and I always had an excuse when I couldn’t be there for him (tired, zane needs me, i need to be alone, etc.)
Anyways I am sharing all of this with you because I wanted to be honest! I know I always post happy things on facebook BUT the truth is that the last few months have been HARD. I moved away from my family and lost who I was in the midst of it. I became the nagging wife I never wanted to be and fell asleep in the guilt of it. I have now turned to the Lord and turned back to my husband! I realized that the Lord loved me all along and so did my husband. I was able to apologize for the times I was nagging and impatient. The funny thing was that when I apologized to Jaber he just hugged me and told me I was the best mom in the world. He sympathized with all of the changes I went through and encouraged me.
I now realized that I need to put God first, Jaber second, and kids third! I will be a better wife and mom if I follow it in this order! Jaber and I are doing really great. We got on weekly dates, read books together, listen to marriage sermons, and do the daily chores together. We also sit down and go over how we are doing and how we are feeling. We also THANK each other for all that we appreciate about each other. I am so glad to have a husband that stuck with me through it all. I hope this is an encouragement to all of you who are going through a change. If you don’t like who you are, how you are acting, or feel guilty…give it to God and don’t run away from the ones who love you the most!!