This may be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Sharing your regrets with the world is hard. You have no idea what people will think or what people will say about you. I shared my regrets with 10,000 students through my job, but that was easy. Sharing my regrets with people whom I love and care about is much harder.
Growing up in my wonderful family…I was taught right from wrong. I knew exactly what I was supposed to do and what it meant to be obedient. All throughout my early days and up through high school I was what most considered a very good and compliant child. I followed all the rules, was honest, and obeyed my authorities. I had a great relationship with my parents and I thought nothing could ever take me off this path.
Once I was in college I was able to stay away from drinking and drugs. I never was big into parties and I liked to stay in with a few of my close friends. I seemed confident in myself to most people. The truth was I was struggling with an eating disorder and I was extremely insecure of myself. I wanted others to accept me and to like me. I wanted to be beautiful. I remember thinking that a boy would probably be the answer to my insecurities. A boyfriend would be the person who loved me, accepted me, and made me feel beautiful. I was not the type of girl who was going to go out looking for a boyfriend, but when a boy pursued me it was often hard to say no.
As the years passed by I found myself in a few different relationships. I would stay in these relationships because I felt like it was the answer to all of my insecurities. It didn’t matter how these guys treated me as long as they still wanted to be with me. The relationships always started off the same. The guys would tell me how beautiful I was and how they would never let me down. As the months would go by things would slowly start to change. I could feel the guys distancing from me. I was no longer new and exciting. Each time this would start to happen I would do everything I could to make it better. Sometimes I chose to do things that I never in my life thought I would do.
I have some serious regrets from some of the choices I made with boyfriends in college, but my biggest regret of all was making these boyfriends my god. I would give up hanging out with my friends in order to hang out with guys who didn’t really care about me. I would lie to my parents when they asked me how things were going. I did everything I could to appear happy. I remember going through my days with a smile on my face only to come home and cry myself to sleep. I felt so empty and I felt so alone. I was constantly surrounded by people and considered “popular” but the feelings I felt were almost unbearable. At one point I remember asking God to take me home…if he would have me that is. I had no idea if God even wanted anything to do with me. I felt like I had messed up everything. Everyone back in my hometown would never believe that sweet Christie had gone off the deep end. I was the girl that everyone said would stay strong. Christie would never (fill in the blank.)
So after hitting rock bottom in March of 2009 I decided that something needed to change. I fell on my knees and asked God to forgive me for ALL of the MANY mistakes I had made in the past few years. I confessed every single sin I could think of. Afterwards I cried for a good hour in my apartment by myself. I finally started to feel a peace and I knew that God had heard my cries. He DID forgive me and he DID love me…he had always loved me. I remember feeling like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
As the next few hours passed another huge burden started to weigh heavy on me. I felt God was telling me that I needed to be free and in order to be free I needed to tell my parents ALL the had happened. I immediately said NO! There was no way I could tell my parents anything. I was sure they would take me out of school and lock me in my room for the rest of my life. I thought they would never trust me again. More than that…I didn’t want to break their hearts. For years they had told me how proud they were of me and now I was about to ruin that all.
I stayed awake the entire night. As the next morning approached I felt sick to my stomach. I realized that I had to obey God. Without even thinking I dialed my parents number. My mom answered on the second ring and I quickly asked her to put dad on the phone as well. Right then and there…I told them everything that had happened. There was silence on the other end and all I could hear was my own crying. The next thing I heard was my dad say, “I LOVE YOU.” My heart literally stopped. I couldn’t believe that was his first response. He then told me he was on his way to see me. My dad arrived 2 hours later and we talked in the car for the next two hours. He told me that he was so glad that I called and that he had been praying for me. He had known all along that things were not right. He told me that he forgave me for lying and that there was no need for a punishment. He could tell my heart was changed and that I was truly sorry. He also shared with me that true repentance means that you CHANGE. You don’t go back to your old ways.
I can honestly say that my life changed that day. I decided that my life would be different. I was going to live for God. With God’s help I would no longer make the bad choices that I had been making for the last few years. God had forgiven me and so had my parents. The depression I was feeling so heavily, was finally lifted.
Throughout the next few years, God did amazing things in my life. I have walked closely with Him ever since. God gave me the opportunity to share in detail my mistakes with junior high and high school students. I was able to inspire and help others to not end up in the same situation I was in. I absolutely loved being able to talk with my students and help them find the same freedom I had found. I helped young girls to learn to respect themselves and encouraged young men to stand strong. God was able to use MY past to help others.
The hardest challenge throughout the last 5 years was learning to forgive myself. I often times would remind myself of when I went off track and I would start to get depressed again. Thankfully my family and God helped me stand back up each time. Christ had died for my sin and I no longer had to carry it. I remember thinking that no Godly man would ever want to be with me. To my surprise, God had the most special plans for my life. He brought me the most loving, honest, understanding, and Godly husband. I was able to share all of my past regret with him while we were engaged and he too forgave me. He was able to tell me that Christ had forgiven him as well. I walked down the aisle with a clear conscience and in white! Here is my wonderful daddy walking me down the aisle.
If you are relating to my story…you too can find that peace and forgiveness. Give your sin to the Lord, change your ways, and he will give you that peace that surpasses all understanding. If you feel like you can’t get out of your situation…you can! Seek help! Tell those who you love. I thought telling my parents would make them never trust me again, but it did just the opposite! Telling them made them trust me more than ever.
Please send me a comment in the contact form if you need someone to listen or need some advice!
Love to Love,